A few months ago I gave birth to twins. A boy and a girl. What JOY they have brought to our lives!
Of course, it has been a lot to get used to, for both me and my husband… especially in those early weeks.
If you’re a parent, you understand.
Babies are demanding, all day and all night long.
When my father was visiting, he couldn’t help but notice that our previous “Zen household” was now consumed by these two new little beings. Feeding them. Swaddling them. Holding them. Changing diapers. Soothing them. You know the drill!
Some might even call this tiring-round-the-clock experience…uh, stressful!
Honestly, I think “observing” our routine was more stressful for my father than how I was experiencing it in the moment. Don’t get me wrong, I had my meltdown moments — and it was/is VERY tiring. But, as an inner peace coach, gratefully, I have lots of tools to quickly find my center. And, as many new parents do, I simply decided to be okay with everything being about the babies for awhile.
I do have to admit there was added tension between my husband and me, especially when he’d dash to the backyard for a quick Jacuzzi break, hop in the pool with a beer and float, or go for a seemingly leisurely walk with the dog.
After all, shouldn’t HE also be okay with “everything being about the babies” for awhile? Right?
I wasn’t getting breaks to lounge in the Jacuzzi, relax in the pool or walk our furry “child” Cruzer. It didn’t seem fair for him to enjoy these luxuries while I was barely having enough time to eat, pee, and shower (every other day) — in between all the feedings and childcare. 16 breast-feeding sessions a day takes some time, ya know? When I did have an extra minute, I’d throw in a load of laundry, handle something quick for my “mostly on-hold” business, or squeeze in a micro-nap to take the edge off.
All this lead to an important conversation with my father, that I’d like to share with you.
He asked, “How do you self-sooth?”
You see, when people are stressed, we ALL do things to self-sooth… whether we’re aware of it or not.
We don’t even have to consciously acknowledge “stress” per se. We just instinctually find ways to “take the edge off,” “balance things out” or otherwise — self sooth.
As my father pointed out, John’s way to self-sooth was escaping to the jacuzzi or doing something physical like walking our dog (who happened to need some exercise too). After all, John was also under WAY more stress than normal. (And, he didn’t have the experience of pregnancy to get warmed up like I did!)
I’d never looked at returning to inner peace as a “practice in self-soothing.”
But, it’s exactly what we all do in the face of stress of any kind – divorce, financial crisis, overwhelming deadlines, difficult relationships, time pressures or an inconsolable baby with reflux.
So, I thought about it.
As I responded to my father, one of the biggest ways I self-sooth is through self-expression. Sharing authentically with friends and family helps me “feel the feelings” so I can acknowledge and release them. Expressing my annoyance of John’s mini retreats without me helped me acknowledge what was so for me. Sharing had me feel heard, and understood. Of course, there is LOTS I’ve shared with friends and family since the birth of our babies… both moments of joy and moments of frustration. (NOTE: John is actually a rockstar dad who helps out generously with all things. Silly me for thinking he didn’t need an occasional time-out.)
Self-expression can happen over the phone, via email or text, or in person. This is why Facebook is so soothing for SO many people, including myself. It’s a great way to express oneself. Facebook is also a way to connect with others, to receive support, empathy, encouragement or advice. Maybe another reason 1 billion people are now users of Facebook — it’s a fabulous “self-soothing” tool! And, another one of my favorite self-soothing strategies — connecting with others!
So it got me thinking about the countless ways people self-sooth…some healthy, others — not so healthy ways. And some strategies, like talking and connecting with others may be more popular for women while men may opt to retreat into their silent cave or do something physical. Or in my husband’s case, hold his breath under water for a few minutes — how’s that for a silent cave?
Some people reach for a glass of wine or chocolate. Or BOTH if possible! Yum!
Some people indulge in their favorite foods… or for that matter, ANY food that is nearby. Admit it, you’ve done it. We all have! My favorite is a bag of BBQ Pop Chips (a slightly healthier indulgence than a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos, which I’ve devoured in the past!)
Some people veg out in front of the television… CNN, reality shows, CSI, The Ellen Show, The Kardashians, etc. Do you have a favorite show that allows you to self-sooth when you need it most?
Type A people find achieving and accomplishing to-do’s soothing! Answering “one more email,” squeezing in ONE more phone call, or handling ONE more lingering toleration. Can you relate?
Along these lines, I’ve discovered one of my favorite self-soothing strategies is setting goals, re-prioritizing and honing my focus for the week. Ahhhh, the bliss that comes with a fresh plan for what’s next.
Another big self-soothing strategy is creating order. You probably know someone who finds comfort in a clean, orderly and organized home. And, when they get stressed, out comes the vacuum, in goes a load of laundry and the counters get wiped down even faster. Gratefully, this is also one of my husband’s self-soothing strategies. He’s adopted the lion’s share of household chores since the twins arrival! (Lucky for me!) But, I’ve noticed I also go in “get things in order mode” at the end of the day — and recognize how “soothing” it is for me too.
I know people who text, shop, knit, quilt, read, smoke, drink, play video games, listen to music, talk or journal to self-sooth. There’s also yoga, meditation, walks in nature or working out. Sarcasm and complaining may be other forms for self-soothing. Or reaching out for help and support from a friend or coach. And with the popularity of iPad’s, escaping into the realm of one of the 275,000 apps provides endless soothing opportunities! Another favorite of mine… a long, hot shower.
By the way, self-soothing isn’t something to avoid or make wrong. Even if it’s not the healthiest self-soothing strategy, doing something is actually better than doing nothing at all.
Sounds crazy, doesn’t it?
Yet, studies compared suicide rates with men working super stressful jobs at sea. Those that got drunk every weekend — to self-sooth — had fewer incidences of suicide than men without an outlet for their stress. (BTW, I’m not recommending binge drinking as a self-soothing strategy).
I was talking with a client the other day about self-soothing. Picking fights with a significant other is another not-so-healthy self-soothing strategy. Sure, it’s “self-expression” — but, it comes with consequences.
Recognizing an unhealthy behavior as a self-soothing strategy gives us the opportunity to step back and conscious choose other ways to self-sooth.
The bottom line is — we all self-sooth, whether we’re conscious of it or not. There are healthy and unhealthy ways.
I’m curious… what ways do you consciously or unconsciously self-sooth? Are those strategies working for you or not?
I want to hear from you. Let’s acknowledge and honor your self-soothing strategies. Maybe you’re happy with them, maybe not so much. Chances are if you’ve indulged in a less than healthy self-soothing strategy — so has someone else.
Let’s see how many self-soothing strategies we can identify together — and make this a rich discussion. Thoughts?
Hello, Mary. Wow, you could not have picked a better time to share this article with us. I’m going to take advantage of this opportunity and tell you how I’m self-soothing today.
I just learned from this morning’s cable TV news that the gal who got shot and died in the Portland, Oregon, mall incident was a Hospice nurse. She was shopping for a friend’s gift. It so happens that I’m a volunteer for Hospice in my local community. I got goose bumps when I heard the news. I immediately contacted my Hospice coordinator and suggested we do a “moment of silence” for her at our next meeting. Being part of Hospice, I feel like she was a family member.
One way I’m soothing myself today is I called Hospice to get on the list to sit at the Hospice Christmas Tree in one of our malls. I do this practically every year for about 10 years. A month ago I decided I didn’t want to this year. I just didn’t feel like it. But after hearing this news today, I now feel the need to. It is so therapeutic to help others who are grieving at this time of year. When people come up to the tree, they donate what they can to put an ornament with their lost loved one’s name on it, and put the ornament on the Hospice Christmas tree. This is a way to remember your lost loved one at Christmas time and help Hospice with their fundraiser to provide more funds for their annual programs.
Because I experienced a dear, close friend’s death who was killed in the line of duty while protecting our city as a police officer in 1989, I know the pain of grief. I felt it for 10 years. Then it began to gradually subside to where now I’m able to help others with theirs. It still comes and goes a couple of times a year, but it doesn’t consume me like it use to.
I’ve been a volunteer grief facilitator for the Hospice Forget Me Not program in my local area, for about four years. I find sitting at the Hospice Christmas Tree and listening to people’s stories of how they miss their loved ones and in some cases how their loved ones died, very soothing. Because I know their pain, I feel an immediate bond and it’s like a big, warm blanket around me.
So because this gal was a Hospice nurse, I feel the need to honor her by sitting at the Hospice Christmas Tree to help others. It is about the most self-rewarding thing I do.
Today I’m self-soothing by working on a business project I’ve been shrugging off to do. I find this self-soothing because it takes my mind off of things and gives me motivation to do this project. Well, you probably want to know what it is.
Earlier this year a women’s networking group selected me as their 2012 Entrepreneur of the Year Award. At that time, I was surprised, grateful, and humbled all at the same time. It was hard to believe that they would actually pick me. Anyway, I decided to give Thank You gifts to my clients who have been with me over the years and helped me stay in business. I started this project back in May. First by buying the gifts and second gathering all the paper material for research on this project. I finally got all the gifts bought by August and all the paper research done by September. Today I’m making a list of my Thank Yous. At tis point, I really need to get them out before Christmas. So this news gave me a reason to self-sooth, and I chose this project to immerse myself in to get the job done. In this sense, it’s a win-win situation.
Thank you for your time in reading this long message. I feel better already just telling you about my day today. So this also provides self-soothing. Take good care. Happy Holidays from Alaska! Rosella Young, AA-1 Designs
Thank you Rosella! And wow, your sharing really points to an important self-soothing strategy that I see LOTS of people engage in… and that is contributing to others or being of service. What a giver you are. And, while this is a super high quality self-soothing strategy, there may be an opportunity for you to give more to YOURSELF. When giving and being of service is one of your main self-soothing strategies — there can be a tendency to slip into being a martyr. Just something to look at and notice if there is some truth in that for you. And again, great to notice how giving back feels good! My heart goes out to you for your loss. And I applaud you for being there so generously for others going through grief. — Mary
I spent many years “self-soothing” every night by smoking dope, eating a ton of junk food then a pint of haagen das with whole bottle of chocolate fudge, watching mind-numbing tv sitcoms and then drinking booze until I passed out!
I would consider those “less than healthy self-soothing strategies”… as I image most would!
Without getting into the details of how I got OUT of that Living Hell, this is what I do now when I’m stressed out: Express Gratitude!
Gratitude for the INCREDIBLE life style that I am able to live. Kings and Queens of the Middle Ages never had it so good!
For example: Breakfast… I am SO grateful that I have food to eat. So many people are starving in the world. And, not only do I have food to eat, it’s wonderful food and drink from all over the world. Coffee from Columbia, bacon from Canada, orange juice from Florida, fruits from South America and deserts from Europe.
Just holding up a plate of bacon and eggs makes me think of the hundreds of thousands, if not Millions, of people it took for that breakfast to get into my hands.
The factories that made the plate, the farmers that raised the chickens and hogs, the ships and the trucks that brought them to my grocery store and the roads that made it possible to get there, and on and on and on…
For me to make that plate, raise, feed and process the livestock, grow the coffee and orange trees, etc. etc. etc. would take me YEARS if not DECADES to do. And that’s just for this ONE breakfast of bacon and eggs!
Instead, it’s ALL here in my kitchen that took all of ten minutes to put together and set on my table!
Indeed, Gratitude for this AMAZING Miracle not only makes the food taste so much better, but it sometimes becomes a Deep Meditation that dissolves the stress I’d been feeling and puts a wide grin on my craggy face!
Try it… You’ll Like it!
Ruben, LOVED your comment here… first for acknowledging the “not-so-healthy” self-soothing strategies of the past. And, congratulations to you for breaking yourself out of that cycle before you died of a heart attack! And wow… gratitude is a fabulous self-soothing strategy, isn’t it? I often have the same thought while standing in line at the grocery store. It’s mind-boggling how many people’s commitments create so much convenience and abundant choices for us in our modern age. This practice of gratitude is something we can all up the ante on. Much love to you. Thank you for sharing. — Mary
Mary, I love the phrase “self-soothe.” Often I do things that are for that reason and because I don’t recognize it, I berate myself – when the only thing wrong with doing it is not being okay doing it! Lately I seem to need a lot of it, so thanks for the lovely reminder. AND, wow, twins! Great happiness generators. They are so lucky to have you for a mom!
BTW, I self-soothe with favorite foods, favorite TV, simply hanging out in bed, reading mysteries, house cleaning, doing the dishes (geez, some of those used to be things I’d put OFF doing!). You’ve put me on a search for new ways. Here’s my favorite for traffic gridlock: using the license plate letters, make up positive phrases: VKL = vocation: keep loving or MBA = many blessings abound. It’s endless and some days I just make up silly stuff like VKL would then be Vixen! Keep Laughing! or MBA = my big a** (and if I KEEP laughing, maybe I will get to lmao as a new weight loss model! :>)
Twins are extra special. Especially when you get two pairs; with a recess of only 2 years.
We started at 3:00 am. I could not believe my ears when my wife told me, “They think I have twins.”
Unfortunately my exuberant joy was short lived. The Gynecologist gave us the sad news. One was no longer alive and the other was just 5.5 lbs. He was so small. In the nursery he would take a breath and then do nothing for what seemed like 10 minutes.
The second pair was a soap opera. We went to the regular checkup. The doctor told us, “You are great, see you next month.” My wife replied, “No, doctor. You see I have twins again. I don’t want to lose one like the last time. T am not leaving this office until you give me the order for an x ray.”
This was before the time of sonographs. He looked at her, an in an irritate manner replied, “Go spend your money if that makes you happy. Just leave it in the X ray office. They will get it up here.”
After the technician developed the x ray, my wife tells her. “Do I have twins?” She replied, “I can’t tell you that.” My wife replied, “Sure you can. Just put up to the light.”
The technician gasped. “I have only one, right”, my wife questioned. “No, you have twins again.”
“Give me that film, I want to take it to the doctor personally.” The technician knew better that to argue with my wife.
The doctor came out of his office and saw my wife.
“What are you doing here again? Didn’t I tell you to leave the x ray in the x ray office? She answered, “Doctor,just tell me if I have twins?”
He grudgingly put the film up to the light. His face turn green, then blue and finally red. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a quarter and gave it to her. “Go buy yourself an ice cream. We will be seeing you on a monthly basis from now on.”
The girls were born perfectly healthy and between the three of them I now have 9 grandchildren.
Sam, Twins are extra special… kudos to you and your wife! I’m only now beginning to understand all that is involved with them 🙂 And, to keep the conversation on topic — I’m curious, what self-soothing strategies do you most engage in?
I didn’t experience inner peace until I accepted everyone and everything, including me, exactly the way we all are.
This after a life of non acceptance, with all the conflict and disturbance that creates.
It was after realizing that I was the source of my own disturbance that I saw that not accepting reality as it is was the source of the conflict I experienced, internally, as well as in my relationship with everyone and everything.
In the moment I made the commitment to accepting, was the moment I experienced inner peace.
Thanks, Truth
Truth, I agree — one of the biggest keys to inner peace is acceptance of all things. AND, I’m curious… since you’re also a human being like the rest of us. What self-soothing strategies do you engage in?
About 20 years ago I realized I needed “down-time” (aka self-soothing) to be more ‘even keeled’ and not fly off the handle at everything.
Even tho I know I need it, I still feel a bit guilty when I “indulge”. . . it is nice to know that others recognize the need to self-soothe! I’m working on the guilt part…that is probably the hardest thing for me!
My need for self-soothe is directly proportional to how much stress I’m under….and I often wonder if others have also noticed that in themselves!
I have several self-soothe activities that I engage in: playing on-line games, watching TV (especially CSI, NCIS and Leverage!), and eating greasy foods. . . sadly, exercise is not one of them!
Thanks for a great article that really “speaks” to me!
Thanks Chris! I hereby grant you full permission to indulge in the downtime you need to be at your best. When you take that time, ideally in a healthy way — it’s good for everyone, especially you! And absolutely, the more stress we’re under, the more “self-soothing” activities we do — consciously, but more likely unconsciously. Now that you’re even more aware of the correlation between stress and “certain self-soothing” activities, you can be more pro-active. Thanks for sharing here!
Great article Mary! Thank you for bringing up such an important topic! One of the things I notice for me is recognizing when I need to soothe myself and more importantly, CONSCIOUSLY ALLOWING myself to participate in whatever may work best for me in that moment!
Far too often I’ve noticed that I am nearly at the point of emotional or physical exhaustion before I give myself permission to STOP the hamster wheel! Even tho I too focus a lot on inner peace in my mentoring with clients, it’s all too “normal” for me to ignore my own advice!
Definitely on my SHORT list of intentions to CHANGE for 2013!
Thanks again for all you are and all you do!
Rainbow Blessings of Peace and Joy!
Stephanie Rainbow Bell