Today’s inner peace strategy is a perfect complement for today’s quick mid-year evaluation. One of the ways we zap our inner peace is when we indulge in “shoulds.”

The article and video below takes a deep dive into our relationships with “shoulds” and how they squash or enhance our inner peace. It’s a big topic!

There are good “shoulds,” bad “shoulds,” and “shoulds” that need transforming. Let’s explore, shall we?

The “good” shoulds.

When we fully embrace a good should, it probably feels effortless because you’re simply committed. Maybe at one time it was a “should,” but it’s become a “must.” It’s a habit, and the positive feelings you get doing it — reinforce the “should.”

Here are a few of my “good” shoulds.

* brushing teeth – morning and night
* skin care routine – morning and night
* flossing at night
* hugging my kids first thing in the morning
* reading to kids at night – 5x’s a week
* snuggling with my kids at bedtime and saying “I love you… good night.”
* moving my body daily
* listening to something inspiring most days
* veggie smoothies – 5+ days a week
* green juice daily
* vitamins daily

There are plenty of examples of “good” shoulds. Things that are good for us, and things we do consistently.

The problem isn’t with the “should” itself, it’s when we have resistance to it and the “should” becomes something that makes us feel bad.

Shoulds are just “made up” rules.

A “should” is simply a rule you, or someone else, has suggested. It might be super good for us, like meditating or flossing our teeth.

When we adopt a “should” yet simultaneously resist it, it zaps our inner tranquility.

I think I “should” wash the dishes now. But, I don’t want to. That “should” is creating stress, even if subtle. The dishes are resting casually in the sink. All is well if we don’t have a “made up” rule or story that the dishes “should” be done now.

I think I “should” meditate, yet the inspiration isn’t there for me. I resist meditating. Unless, I let go of the “should,” I’ll probably feel guilty and make myself wrong for not following through.

When we “should” on others.

Expectations or “shoulds” for others can also be problematic, especially when they don’t live into our “shoulds.” Again, it zaps OUR inner calm.

My husband “should” put his white clothes in the white laundry bin, but he often doesn’t. If I think he should, and resist the reality that he didn’t, then I’m the one with agitation inside of me. It’s my rule, not his.

Bad shoulds…

There aren’t really bad shoulds. We’re either aligned and committed to a should… or not. And others are either aligned and committed to a should… or not.

If we’re not in alignment with doing the dishes. Don’t do them. Eventually, you will get inspired to do them — or if you’re lucky, someone else will do them! Sometimes the moment I let go of the should to do the dishes, I find myself automatically doing them. Without resistance, life flows.

A “bad” should is simply a “should” that zaps your inner peace. Maybe someone else has suggested a “should” and it sounds good… but you’re only half-heartedly aligned with it.

If I’m not feeling inspired to meditate regularly, even though I know there are a gazillion benefits to doing so, taking it off my “daily rituals” list (even temporarily) is the kind thing to do.

Our rules for people…

Think about how many “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” you have for people. What conscious or unconscious rules do you have for your kids, partner, friends and people in general?

People should be kind and respectful.
People should keep their word.
People shouldn’t swear.
People should be responsible.
People shouldn’t whine. (Namely my kiddos! LOL!)
People should listen and understand me.
People should recycle.
People should live within their means.
People should believe in climate change.
People shouldn’t steal.
People should wear a mask.
People shouldn’t break the law.

Not saying these aren’t good shoulds. But, the reality is not everyone thinks like we do, and when we think they “should,” we’re the ones who will be compromising our inner well being when they don’t.

They’ve got their own set of “shoulds” for themselves and you. And, as we see every day, there are competing “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” in our personal lives and in the world.

I wish everyone was kind and respectful, but sadly many aren’t.
I wish my kids wouldn’t whine, but they do… sometimes more than others.
People swear.
Some people recycle, some don’t.
Some believe in climate change, some don’t.
Some people honor our laws, others don’t.

And as much as we wish everyone would listen and understand us, I notice that isn’t always the case.

The more “shoulds” we have, the more unnecessary suffering and annoyance we experience inside of ourselves. Like a wet blanket, it siphons valuable energy, our ability to focus diminishes, and it doesn’t feel good.

Others are either aligned and committed to a particular should or they aren’t. We may feel we KNOW what is best, but do we really? Giving others the freedom to choose for themselves is kind, for them and for you.

It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t take a stand for something we’re passionate about. Heck, I’m taking a stand for your inner peace, and suggesting you relax some “shoulds” because I know they zap valuable inner peace.

But, at the end of the day, if I force any of my “shoulds” on others, I’m compromising my inner peace. So, I put out the best tips and strategies in the most inviting way possible, and allow you and others to take it from here.

I might get disappointed or feel sad that others are in pain, especially when I see an easy path out, but if I live in anguish it doesn’t do myself or others much good. Instead, channeling that energy into new inspiring ideas is a better use of time.

Forcing a “should” on another
is unkind and creates suffering for all.

One of my favorite stories that helped me understand this truth came from Byron Katie’s “Loving What Is.” Katie talked to a mother of an 8 year old boy who was only doing 90% of his homework. She was upset about this. She thought, “If he doesn’t do all of his homework, it could ruin his life.” She felt like a bad mom and was constantly nagging him to do 100% of his homework. It created a lot of pain for her and her son.

Katie pointed to the reality of the situation. Her son only did 90% of his homework. That’s what he did in reality, even though his mother kept pushing for more. As Katie always says, “How do we know what SHOULD happen? It is happening.”

The mother ultimately discovered that it was her SHOULD what created the suffering. Her resistance to what was happening in reality was the problem.

Then she came to this realization. “When my son does 90% of his homework, and I think he SHOULD do more, I’m essentially saying to him, ‘Don’t be who you are. Don’t be who you are.'”

When she looked at it in this light, she softened.

This story has stayed with me for nearly two decades.

Forcing others to live into the fantasy of who I want them to be is unkind and creates suffering for me. And, it’s akin to saying, “Don’t be who you are. Don’t be who you are.”

Human beings are far from perfect. When we allow others to “be who they are” in all their imperfections, it’s one of the most loving things we can do… for them and ourselves.

2 simply ways to
transform a “should”

Here’s where the opportunity lies. If we have a “should” on our list, and we’re just not doing it, we have two choices.

First, we can just “let it go.” If the “should” is making you repeatedly feel bad, scratch it off the list. Relax the resistance to the “should,” and see what happens. You may find yourself more inspired “to do the thing” than before. Regardless, you’re free up valuable energy.

Alternatively, we can transform the should into a MUST. Weeks ago, I realized doing yoga 2-3 times a week wasn’t enough to soothe the added stress of having kids home 24/7 — managing distance learning, my business and household. A friend started a “movement challenge” and I jumped in with both feet. I made daily “movement” a MUST. It eventually evolved into a consistent workout routine that I love and has me feeling fantastic!

Shoulds are debilitating. MUSTS are inspiring.

Inspire and incentivize

Be careful about making your shoulds for others MUSTS. What others do or don’t do is outside of our control. We set ourselves up for suffering when we hold rigidly to our ideals, especially if they have other rules and shoulds for themselves.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t have boundaries. That’s another important inner peace topic. I’m also not saying we shouldn’t strive for positive change in the world.

What I am saying is most of us have too many shoulds for others to keep up with, and it zap our well being.

This is one reason why parenting is often stressful. We’re shaping other human beings, and there are lots of shoulds and shouldn’ts. Standards and rules are important in households and in society. But, I’ve found that having too many shoulds sabotages harmony for all.

It’s a process and a dance.

I try to inspire my children through my example of respect and kindness. I incentivize behavior with acknowledgment and reward. Most of all, I try to remember that my kids are human.

Final reminder…

Remember, I’m not asking you to throw out all your “shoulds.” Rather, just keep noticing which “shoulds” are squashing or enhancing your inner peace.

Then you get to choose… embrace it, let it go or turn it into a must.

Rapid Reset Strategy #8