INNER PEACE: My Life Would Be Better IF ONLY…

Now, don't laugh. While you MAY not have had this EXACT experience, I suspect there is something in your life where you've had a similar experience. Last Tuesday evening I found out that the new season of The Bachelorette had begun...on MONDAY night, the night before!!! Being a big fan of the show (one of my FEW indulgences on television), I was both excited (yeah...new season!!)...and panicked. Did my DVR record last night's episode? Gulp. Before we dashed to dinner, I HAD to check the DVR. Was it or wasn't it recorded? As I watched myself, I was quite amused. In that moment, I was CERTAIN my life would've been SO much better and more peaceful had I either: 1) Watched the season premiere of The Bachelorette the night before or 2) If my DVR had been wise enough to record the show for me. But alas. It was NOT recorded!!!!! Darn it. For a moment, it felt like I was missing some MUCH needed oxygen. My life was a little less whole and complete. Now, of course, moments before I realized The Bachelorette's new season had begun...all was quite well in my world. Hmmm. This small, harmless, momentary reaction caught my attention and got me thinking. How many times in our lives do we convince ourselves for a moment, for hours, for days or for years that our lives would be SO much better IF ONLY ____________(fill in the blank) had happened or hadn't happened? "I would be expriencing so much more JOY, so much more WHOLENESS, so much more INNER PEACE and so much more LIFE...IF ONLY." Or conversely, I would be experiencing so much LESS pain, so much LESS suffering or so much LESS inner turmoil IF ONLY______________(fill in the blank) had happened or hadn't happened. IF ONLY I had remembered to watch The Bachelorette or set my DVR. IF ONLY I had gotten up earlier today. IF ONLY the drain wasn't clogged. IF ONLY I hadn't eaten that extra brownie or gone to the gym. IF ONLY my husband had taken out the garbage earlier. IF ONLY my computer wasn't running so darn slow! IF ONLY my friend hadn't been 15 minutes late. IF ONLY the dishes or laundry were done now. IF ONLY I had already accomplished these 3 tasks. IF ONLY my husband or wife would do ___________or NOT do _________. I'm using semi-ridiculous IF ONLY's for a reason. Why? Because we often react the same exact way to the little things, as we to the big things. As I discussed with my husband, we don't consciously say to ourselves "Gosh, my life would be better IF ONLY" or "Gosh, my life would be less bad IF ONLY." But, think about it. Unconsciously, at some level, this is what we're believing. Whether it is as silly as missing your favorite TV show, or something more serious like receiving a poor health diagnosis or having to file bankruptcy. The instinctual underlying pattern is quite similar AND quite automatic. Unless, we get conscious...and rise above the instinctual response. So off to dinner we went to contemplate all the ways we step into IF ONLY, believing our stories of a "better life" or a "life of less suffering." Fans of Byron Katie know how useful it can be to apply the four questions of Inquiry and question the truth of these IF ONLY situations. You can apply these questions to YOUR situation. 1. Is it true? Is it true my life would be better IF ONLY I had watched The Bachelorette on Monday night? Well, in the moment...it sure FEELS like it. 2. Can you absolutely know that it's true? Can I absolutely know that my life would truly be better now IF ONLY I had watched The Bachelorette earlier?  Well, of course not. (Although I'm certain other "Bachelorette" fans are empathizing with me big time about now.) 3. How do I react when I think the thought? When I believe my life would be better IF ONLY I hadn't missed The Bachelorette, I feel a little incomplete. I feel like I'm missing oxygen (figuratively speaking). I feel like an alcoholic NEEDING a drink to feel better. I feel a little more stressed than moments before. (I know you're laughing out there...but, remember to APPLY this question to YOUR situation.) 4. Who would I be without the thought? Well, since I wasn't thinking the thought 20 minutes earlier, I suppose I'd feel peaceful and serene. Hmmm. Turnaround (The final step of Inquiry is to take the original thought and look at opposite statements). My life would NOT be better IF I had watched the season premiere of The Bachelorette. Any Bachelorette fan knows this isn't easy to investigate. But, let me try that statement on anyway. Well, I wouldn't have had these insights about IF ONLYs. And, I wouldn't have had this example to write about in my ezine. And, can I ever really know IF my life could've been better by watching it a day earlier? Of course not. If you're not familiar with Byron Katie's work visit: www.lovingwhatis.com. (You can also access two interviews I've had with Katie at http://www.lifecoachmary.com/byronkatie.htm) While this may seem like a juvenile example, especially if you're NOT a fan of The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, I suspect you're having these kinds of "little responses" throughout your life without even knowing it. SOULFUL Challenge: For the coming week, I invite you to notice when you have a thought that is some version of "My life would be better IF ONLY..." And, if you're like me, you may smile when you catch yourself and bring yourself back to this beautiful and precious moment. This moment that is EXACTLY like this NOW. Nothing more. Nothing less. And, so we continue to transcend our instinctual human tendancies. One response at a time. Filed under Inner Peace 101, Inner Peace Culprits, Inner Peace Practices | Comment (1)

INNER PEACE: Being with “Uncertainty”

When it comes to maximizing one's "inner peace quotient," it's essential to learn how to "be with" those aspects of life which are most challenging. We must learn to "be with" disappointing others, being judged, imperfection, chaos, another rejecting us, a lengthy to-do list, unmet goals, unconsciousness, weakness, time, mistakes, suffering and UNCERTAINTY. Most human beings, myself included, LOVE to be "in control." Perhaps this gives us a sense of security in this ever dynamic and changing world. But, with all the UNCERTAINTY that exists, it makes it one of the most challenging aspects of life to "be with." Uncertainty can range from mildly annoying to all consuming and stress-inducing. Of course, the MORE stress, frustration and inner turmoil you bring to yourself, the more sabotaging it is (i.e. aging us, creating disease in our bodies, making us grumpy, etc). Sometimes uncertainty comes with ONE potential happy ending, and ONE "not so good" ending. Here are some examples: * Maybe your savings is dwindling and you need to attract new business to effectively launch or stay in business. Can you do this before beginning to go into debt? * Maybe you had a serious disagreement with a friend or spouse, and they've gone "silent" on you. Will they reconcile with you or was that the "final straw" and is your relationship ruined forever? * Maybe you have a health condition requiring a hard-to-come-by medicine. If you get the medicine on time, you can "function" well. Without the medication, you become very sick. Sometimes you get to choose between a "NOT so GOOD CHOICE" and another "NOT so GOOD CHOICE." This is my least favorite kind of uncertainty. * Maybe you own multiple rental properties and are upside down with the mortgage crisis. You can continue to make the draining payments on properties which are likely NOT to go up anytime soon. Or you can file bankruptcy or allow one or more housees to foreclose and suffer the impact on your credit. * Maybe you've been trying to get pregnant, resorting to IVF treatments. If you proceed with the next round, it may mean skipping your favorite niece's graduation, with no guarantees the procedure will work. You could skip the treatment, knowing that may have been "the one." Or take the treatment, have it fail, and feel guilty for missing a once-in-a-lifetime event. (Of course, it could also work out!) * Maybe you've recently been diagnosed with a serious illness like cancer and have to choose between a variety of treatments, each with their own serious risks. Or do you not do any treatment and risk your life? Not a position I'd like to be in. You get the idea. All of these examples are drawn from real-life situations from friends, family and clients. Regardless of how big or small YOUR uncertainty is, all UNCERTAINTIES have TWO things in common: 1. You don't know IF, in the end, "You'll be OK." Can you handle more debt? Can you handle going bankrupt or foreclosing on a home? Can you handle being really sick for awhile (or watching a loved one go through the process)? Can you handle disappointing a family member? Can you handle losing everything? I know these aren't fun questions. But, let me remind you of an important truth. "So far in life...you've HANDLED everything that has come your way." Maybe it wasn't with perfect grace. But, you handled it. You're here now, reading this article. I personally like to bet on the odds. If you've handled things before... however challenging or difficult or embarrassing or painful, you'll be able to again. Somehow. Some way. Right up to the day you leave the planet. I don't say this lightly. I have a friend now who is diagnosed with Huntington's Disease. Not a curable disease today. Yet, I'm so inspired by how she dances with the "uncertainty" of her disease. She takes things ONE day at a time, and recognizes she IS handling it. She is OK, right now. Even if her speech is slurring or her body twitches. And, she's living life more fully than many people I know. For most of us, this is an extreme reality you aren't forced to accept. Though in the moment, ANY uncertainty becomes as giant as you let it. As you sit with the UNCERTAINTIES in your life, can you find the place inside of you that is OK, right now? I know, I know. I forget to acknowledge this truth when I'm struggling with UNCERTAINTY. But, all it takes it one moment to remember. 2. You don't know how the story will end. Will it be the HAPPY ending - the one you prefer? Will you be forced to choose between two "not so great choices?" Will the ending be so horrible or humbling, you'll have to check yourself into an insane asylum? What's interesting is, those facing a life-threatening disease seem to come to grips quicker and faster with the UNCERTAINTY of the end, than those of us in a financial crisis or worrying about flubbing up an important speech or making a tough decision. Seven Pounds Last night, my husband and I watched the movie "Seven Pounds" starring Will Smith. If you haven't seen it yet, I HIGHLY recommend it. It's thought-provoking, with an inspiring message. It STILL has me reflecting. It's also one of those movies where all the pieces of the story don't come together until the end of the movie. That means, as a viewer, you have to "be with" the UNCERTAINTY. You may be confused at some of the dialog between characters. You may wonder if you're going to end up liking or hating this movie in the end. You may feel resentful that you're having to pay close attention to the movie in order to TRY to make some sense of it all. I suppose watching "Seven Pounds," or a movie like this, could be frustrating for some people. But, I imagine most people assume "all the pieces" WILL come together AND KNOW they will be OK in the end. Afterall, it is simply a movie. In "Seven Pounds," all the pieces DO come together in a magical and profoundly meaningful way (as MOST movies do). It all makes sense. And, while Will Smith's character is faced with his own uncertainties, he ultimately makes a choice to support what he sees as a "higher good." Whether you like or dislike the exact ending of this movie -- or any movie -- doesn't really matter. However emotionally engaged you were (fearful, tears, tension, excitement), the ending happens AND you come back to the reality of "you're OK." (I doubt most people acknowledge this, unless it was a horror movie. I have to watch a "feel-good" movie if the movie was TOO startling for my nervous system). As the movie "Seven Pounds" ended, I thought, "If only we could be with our own uncertainties as we watch most movies." Maybe a great tips list for being with UNCERTAINTY. Pay full attention. Take it one moment at a time. Trust all the pieces will come together. Know it all will eventually make sense. Don't get caught up in knowing or not knowing the ending. (There may be many twists and turns). Don't resist the uncertainties in the moment (at least not TOO much or you won't be able to watch/experience your movie/life). Know that you'll be OK at the end of the movie (as you are in virtually EVERY moment of the day and night). Make choices in support of the HIGHER good. Could it really be that simple? Maybe so. How do you dance with UNCERTAINTY in your life? One method is to RESIST uncertainty - and suffer. It's like repeatedly banging your head against a wall. More painful than productive. Maybe you stop eating or overeat, spend all your time sleeping or deprive yourself of sleep. Maybe you beat yourself up for not being able to decide between the two choices. Maybe you keep focusing on the end result you would prefer the least. (Law of Attraction recommends against this). Maybe you just allow the "uncertainty" to make you feel bad. Alternatively, you can recognize, "You are okay in this moment," even WITH the uncertainties all around you. And, like watching a movie brimming with uncertainties, you can apply each of the simply viewing tips above. Stay present and make choices in support of the higher good. Just like Will Smith at the end of the movie, you'll know EXACTLY what to do at the perfect moment. Filed under Inner Peace 101, Inner Peace Practices | Comment (1)

INNER PEACE: 3 Common Traps Unknowingly Zapping Your Personal Energy

Energy conservation is one of the biggest conversations of today. Yet, few are talking about conserving the most precious resource of all -- your personal energy. And, you need it more than ever before. Especially if you value inner peace. Everyday there are countless demands vying for your personal energy and attention. How much energy do you need to sustain your household, finances, health, families, businesses, marriages and friendships? How much more energy is needed if your intention is to thrive in these areas? Throw in a surprise health emergency, uncertainties with the economy or another family crisis and you'll soon be running on empty. Perhaps worse, you'll be cranky, argumentative and snappy with those you love. As important as personal energy is, we all know how easy it is to waste precious energy with procrastination, fear, stress, worry, preoccupation or emotional reactions. It happens, doesn't it? These three traps could be unnecessarily zapping precious energy from you. Energy that could go toward growing your business or navigating your biggest challenges. Energy to ENJOY your life more fully and more peacefully. Once aware of each trap, you can choose to bring your attention and energy back into the present moment where you're best able to make powerful choices. Trap #1. Artificially Speeding Things Up. You artificially try to speed things up when you resist the here and now, while simultaneously wishing for a future that can't occur in this moment, but -- that inevitably WILL come to pass as part of destiny. It's a lot like trying to force bread to bake before its perfect time. You can pace, open the oven door, hope or pray, but in the end the dough becomes bread when it does. And, by artificially trying to speed things up, we may actually be slowing the process down!  Have you ever walked a very enthusiastic dog? At the end of the leash they keep pulling and tugging, expending LOTS of needless energy. Since you are in charge (much the way God is in our lives), you're only going to walk as fast as you'd like. At best, you may speed up a tiny bit. But, generally, all the excessive tugging only wears out your enthusiastic dog, robbing him of valuable energy that could be used to chase a cat, eat a bone or play with the children. Your dog is artificially trying to speed things up. Who knows, if he weren't trying so hard to speed things up, MAYBE through the natural flow, and you not having to counter-resist your dog's eagerness, you'd actually reach your destination sooner while enjoying the journey. Here's another example: let's say I'm driving in traffic, running late for an appointment. If I'm resisting this reality and the potential future reality of being late (which may or may not occur), I may be artificially trying to speed things up. Of course, this is impossible, right? Traffic flows, as traffic flows. There is only so much weaving in and out of cars I can do. To the extent I resist, is the extent I needlessly waste my energy in the form of stress, frustration and irritation. Maybe I'm in a line at the grocery store, in a boring conversation, wishing this article was already complete. I can either be squarely in the present moment, allow the line, conversation or writing to flow -- or I can allow my energy to be wasted in resistance. Resistance consumes valuable energy. And, as we let go of the resistance, the flow resumes, as does our peace and fulfillment. Why would anyone try to artificially try to speed things up in life? Perhaps they believe their pain will lessened or pleasure will be enhanced by the future that isn't here yet. Of course, the perceived pain or pleasure is a guess, which may or may not be true in reality. 2. Artificially Slowing Things Down. You artificially try to slow things down when you resist the here and now, while avoiding the next indicated action -- that inevitably WILL come to pass as part of destiny. Simply put, we waste energy by trying to put on the brakes in life. Procrastination, fear, worry are all ways we "try," to artificially slow things down. Sometimes we're even successful at it, for awhile. But, delaying the inevitable is painful and zaps our energy. It takes considerable energy to put off something you know needs to be done. The greater the resistance, the greater the energy drain is on you. I can actively resist doing the dishes in the sink for three days, or I can simply allow myself to take action when I'm inspired to do so. Quite often the dishes get done, the second I drop my resistance to doing them. Many people experience this kind of resistance before April 15th each year. It may begin in January or April, but I've never successfully found a way to "slow down" April 15th from coming. I've seen people waste considerable energy in delaying the decision to divorce, file bankruptcy or to foreclose on a home they can't afford. They are all "artificially trying to slow things down." People also waste considerable energy procrastinating on a positive decisions like getting married, making an important phone call (salespeople know this one), making a purchase (big or small), writing a book or pursuing a goal or dream. Why would anyone try to artificially try to slow things down in life? Perhaps they believe pain will result with the very next step. Of course, most of the pain is PERCEIVED pain and is more often emotional, and not actually physical pain. Will they get rejected, hurt another human being, be seen as a failure (or something unfavorable). Will they be able to handle the NEW situation? Will their current inner security somehow be threatened? Trap #3. Resisting and Replaying the Scary Movie As life occurs, we witness each unfolding moment, one after another. Sometimes, a situation captures our attention and we consciously or unconsciously RESIST it and then REPLAY it in our minds, again and again. If the encounter is positive, we call these "positive memories" and they add pleasure to our day. However, if there is an element of "resistance," I liken it to a "scary movie." Maybe your friend misinterprets something you said and is upset at you. Maybe your spouse did something you think is disrespectful, ignored you or didn't help out -- and you're in resistance to this. Maybe you convince yourself that something should have occurred -- and it didn't, or something should NOT have occurred -- and it did. In all these scenarios, I'm assuming you are both RESISTING what happened AND REPLAYING it. Both are traps for zapping your precious energy. THE IDEAL WORLD In the ideal world, you're living in the present moment. You enjoy every step of your journey. You use your personal energy and creative flow to pursue your goals and dreams with ease. You respond to each life encounter in stride, with minimal or no resistance. You understand even the painful moments are temporary, so you no longer resist and replay moments of time that caused you pain. You know life and time is unfolding perfectly. There is no need to artificially try to speed things up and you understand trying to do so is fruitless. There is no fear of the next step because you know you can handle anything coming your way. You trust the process of life. There is no need to artificially slow things down. This is, of course, an ideal. I won't pretend I do this perfectly, and don't expect you too either. After all, we're human. Often, simply having awareness of the three traps is enough. But, I will share with you a personal strategy I use when I catch myself indulging in one of the traps above. Bring your energy into present time. When I'm trying to artificially SPEED things up: * Wishing the next 10 items on my to-do list were done (a form of resistance). * Trying to push myself to work faster than my brain cells can keep up (there is a point of diminishing returns). * Taking myself into a time in the future when I know the outcome of a particular situation (a version of worry). or When I'm trying to articificially SLOW things down: * Procrastinating on an important decision or making an important phone call. * Avoiding going to bed at night (resisting the end of the evening). * Being fearful of how a project may be received by subscribers and NOT taking action. or When I RESIST and REPLAY: * My husband being out of town for a week (only to find out later he doesn't have to go). * How a friend responded or didn't respond to an email (why replay something that doesn't feel good?). * How challenging a task is going to be (Isn't doing the task once, enough?) Here's what I do. The Retractable Leash Exercise Imagine one of those retractable dog leashes that automatically pulls the cord IN with the touch of a button. I do this for myself - metaphorically speaking. With a little intention and focus, I bring ALL my energy into present time. It's as though I were pressing the button on the retractable leash. But, instead of pushing a button, I focus on my breath. I engage my five senses. I step back into my body, feeling my butt in the chair, feet on the ground and arms on my desk. I recognize, that in the here and now "all is well." And, I acknowledge, that so far, I've been able to handle everything life has thrown my way. Therefore I'm destined to handle whatever comes next. With this collected energy, I'm now better able to complete an article, make a decision, respond with love to my spouse or friend, get a full night's sleep, take care of myself or tackle my most challenging project with inspiration. Who knows what you may accomplish when you have a full reservoir of energy available to you?

What is your experience with these 3 traps?  I'd love to hear from you.

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Inner Peace Quote: Thomas Dreier

"The world is a great mirror. It reflects back to you what you are. If you are loving, if you are friendly, if you are helpful, the world will prove loving and friendly and helpful to you. The world is what you are"

--  Thomas Dreier

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